Those of you who have met me, in person or on the phone, know that I’ve struggled with speaking fluidly, freely, and easily, often with a strained or stuttering voice.
Today it became clear how the Universe has been sending me messages (or reflections)—on three occasions (that I’m aware of)—over the past few months. I might have finally heard them.
I took my car into the shop today because what had started a week ago as a squeak had turned into a rumbling vibration when I drove with normal speed. My fuel usage had increased markedly. A few months ago I’d had a similar squeak, and a few months before that as well. In the first two instances, and again today, the diagnosis was, “Your brake caliper is seized and has destroyed the pads and rotor as well.” The past two times, it affected a single wheel. Today was not one, but two.
I asked the service advisor, “Why does this keep happening?” Tonight, it dawned on me, “Wait a minute… there’s a parallel here… am I driving my life with my brakes on?”
I had to admit I have been. And resisting seeing it. But the analogy describes the reclusive nature of my life, and the push/pull tug-of-war of my vocal expression.
Many of you reading this know that for 18 years I was a member of the group the news media dubbed the Heaven’s Gate cult. I left that group in 1993, three and a half years before the group’s leader and 38 remaining members committed suicide in San Diego.
Since leaving the cult 21 years ago, I’ve spent thousands of dollars sporadically on personal development seminars, coaching, and counseling, searching for answers to help make sense of my life with the goal of aligning it with… and that’s the problem: I didn’t know what to align it with.
Just over a year ago, I met Kim and Mario, my present personal coaches. Their coaching continually pointed me toward my own inner guidance system, toward waking up and fine-tuning the awareness of my own inner highest-purpose compass—there are many ways to name it—my own connection to God.
It’s only in the past year that I have come to clearly see my experience of living and remaining in the Heaven’s Gate cult as an extreme case of giving my power away, of abandoning myself, of looking outside myself for validation to the point of shutting off my own inner voice.
Prior to my work with Kim and Mario, I hadn’t had the focus or the awareness or the self-trust to look inward. Instead, my searching was always seeking for answers outside of myself, seeking validation of my worth from anyone other than my inner knowing. With their coaching, I finally understood that my own answers to my own life direction can only come from my own deep inner guidance connection to God, Spirit, Higher Self.
Over the past year, I’ve made progress in my attunement to my inner guidance system. I feel like I finally have the right focus. Lately in my coaching sessions with Kim, what’s coming up in my awareness that I’ve expressed to her is a strong desire to move my energy outward more on all levels—physically, emotionally, socially, and relationally.
My nearly two decades in the cult were cloistered and reclusive. Then having left the cult, through the course of two marriages, I remained reclusive, effectively in hiding. Is it any wonder neither marriage worked?
What’s come up lately is the feeling I’m suffocating in my own reclusiveness. I have an overwhelming desire to connect and relate to others more meaningfully. I’m finally ready to start dating again. So, what’s my commitment (Kim asked)? To ask women out on dates (be more specific, Kim said).
That’s scary. I’ve resisted. My moving out into the world, becoming more active socially, has been slow, often more in my mind than in my actions… with a large component of wishful thinking, armchair research, and playing it safe. In spite of my desire for motion, for circulation, for “coming out into the sunshine of life”, and often in spite of Kim’s encouragement and help, I’ve held back out of fear.
One of Kim’s latest suggestions was, “Why don’t you ask for help from your Facebook friends?” She offered that suggestion a week ago and yet every time I sat down to write a post, I balked.
Then came my latest message from the Universe, “You’re driving with your brakes on! You’re risking burnout!” Ok, I get it!
So here goes! I’m looking for some support and I’m putting myself out there! I want to ask you, my Facebook and blog-reading friends, for suggestions on relating authentically with women.
I’m 60 years old. You can call me a late bloomer, but I’ve led an alternative life. Why stop now? Bottom line is I would love to have authentic relationships with women and really practice the art of listening in service to the other person. I would love to meet women to practice this, enjoy myself, and by all means have them enjoy themselves as well.
I’m asking for support. I’m a researcher researching women. It’s become obvious to me that I need more information!
Who has advice or tips for me that could help me with this endeavor? I’m a man who wants to love, serve, and understand women, in authentic, connected relationship. Who would love to support me with this?